I Don’t Want to be Black Anymore

by J.J. Johnson
June/July 2000

It’s not working, folks.

I have tried to do everything I can to be the African-American I’m supposed to be, but I just cannot continue. I am hereby resigning myself from the Black Race. And before I get death threats from my Black brethren out there, hear me out.

In February, I made it through another Black history month, in which I was supposed to do all I could to insult White people for 28 days. I guess I should even say the Black History month is a racial conspiracy by White people since they only gave us 28 (or 29) days to rip their dignity to shreds, while the other months have 30 or 31 days. I guess it’s just another example of the Black man not getting his fair share.

Frankly, many of my Black brothas and sistas are starting to…well…embarrass me. Can I turn on the television and not hear some Black liberal puke complaining about something?

I’ll start there – television. First we had the NAACP (Notorious African American Communist Pigs) lambasting Hollywood for not having enough Blacks in front of (or behind) the cameras. “We don’t see enough Black folk on TV.” An economic boycott is threatened, the ugly “R” word is used, and Hollywood (you know, those rich White guys) capitulate. Did anyone ask were the accusations true? And if so, who really cares?

Whenever I turn my television to watch my favorite programs, I see plenty of very wealthy and successful Black men excelling in their trade/craft. But I guess the NFL, the NBA, and Major League baseball doesn’t count. It must be just me. I guess the “quota kings and queens” don’t count those folks. Then another ‘study’ comes out. This one says, ‘While Blacks are over-represented on television, they are still given only minor roles, or are on screen for less than 5 seconds at a time.’ And, of course, this too is unfair. The easy defense against this eternal whining was for anyone to just mention three letters: B.E.T.

That’s right, Black Entertainment Television, where you can get all the Blackness you want, 24/7 with all those Black folks in front of (and behind) all those cameras. Gee, only about 60 million cable viewers can see that.

I guess it’s just me. Maybe Momma didn’t raise me right. Now we have that flag issue in Dixie. Most folks thought if they just took down that flag, all this controversy would just go away. After all, it’s a horrible reminder of slavery.

Strange, I can’t find a Black person in this country who can remember being a slave. I also can’t find one White person in the country who will admit to owning slaves. In fact, most of the Whites in this country (according to my investigation) had ancestors who landed on these shores long after slavery ended in North America. And I can’t repeat what some of those Irish folks told me. But, for one month I’m supposed to hate the Confederate flag. Not just waving over the South Carolina Statehouse, but on police cars in Mississippi and in front of livestock shows in Houston. I’m supposed to call for the changing of the names of bridges in Virginia, parks in Tennessee and the defacing of portraits of General Lee. I’m even supposed to support Rep. King’s (R-NY) demonizing of every Southerner in the halls on Congress. I’m supposed to support and endorse all of this because I’m a Black man.

Yes, boycott South Carolina. Boycott the entire South until they get their “minds right.” This means, no Blacks (like me) should do any business with the South period. So, to that Black businessman in Memphis, sorry. Hope you can get some of those racist White folks to patronize your store. The NAACP says I can’t go there.

About the family reunion this year in South Carolina – forget it. Nope, not me. Our un-elected Black leadership says we gotta boycott. Don’t worry, I’ll explain to that Black soul food caterer in Columbia that the reason he’s losing so much business this year is because of a piece of cloth hanging over the capitol building. He’ll understand.

And Florida… we’ll have to leave you out, too. You see, Governor Jeb Bush enacted a program called “One Florida” in which anyone who finishes in the top 20% of his or her class gets a scholarship to a public University in Florida. I can’t figure it out for the life of me, but according to my Black leaders, that’s racist, too. The NAACP head (case) says we’ll boycott Florida until that’s changed. By the way, isn’t it interesting that the same people who say we should boycott everything economically are the same people who say Blacks are economically deprived in this “White dominated” society? What they’re telling me is that Black people are too stupid to make it into the top 20% of the graduating class, and that most Black people are too stupid to see through their lies. And most of these self-appointed Black leaders probably NEVER made it into the top 20% of anything. But nevertheless, they’re my leaders. Dan Rather, Tom Brokaw, Peter Jennings, Bill Bradley and Al Gore say they are, and since all these self-appointed “oracles” are White, they must be right.

Even Secret Service is getting into the act. Some of these guys, even though they get to guard the President and the Vice President, say they haven’t got the promotions they deserve. Where’s the dignity? I guess those White Secret Service agents get to guard folks more important.

Here’s a suggestion for the Black Secret Service agents who guard those important White folks (from the south): Wanna become heroes and restore your dignity? Quit. That’ll teach ‘em.

As a Black man, I’m told I should pin my hopes on making it rich when the NAACP gets their “fair share” from suing all those guns dealers. After all it’s those gun dealers’ fault for all those Black folks shooting all those Black folks. Perhaps next year, they’ll be suing bed-sheet makers, rope manufacturers, and the South American drug cartels.

I have asked my Black leaders to sue the ATF, since the only product in America that “requires” you to list your race before purchasing it is a firearm. They haven’t returned my call. But then again, the right to keep and bear arms isn’t listed under “civil rights” anyway, is it?

It’s okay. We’ll just sue the gun-makers instead. That’ll teach them to not sell guns to us Black folks (so we can get gunned down for reaching for a wallet.) Yes, if we just sue a few more White folks, harass and slander the rest, one day -– maybe one day — we won’t have to put a prefix in front of the word “American” anymore.

Well, I’m not waiting for that. I have done everything to try to advance the cause of personal freedom as a Black man, and to enjoy the liberty that my parents fought for, but it is just not working. These White people are just too smart for me. They made sure that I never had to wait at a Denny’s restaurant longer than anyone else does. Some of them hired me for simply having the brains to do the job. Some of them (the real sneaky ones) had the gall to judge me by the content of my character, and not the color of my skin. They’ve paid me in dollars with White slave-owners’ photos on them. And, damn them, they made me earn it first.

They have allowed me to own my own business. They even went so far as to steal tax dollars from other White people to make sure I got an education – so I could like…make it in this world.

What an evil plot. Since there is almost no reason to bitch about anything anymore, it must be…institutional racism.

I am through being used. I am fed up with trying to conform. This year, when I filled out my Census form, I let them know that I quit. I wish to no longer be a Black American. I want nothing to do with race baiting, whining, pandering for more tax dollars, family breakdowns, and the Al Sharptons of the world.